I feel like every time I turn around, I reach another turning point.
As someone who claims to "love the unknown," I wouldn't mind a little stability.
I wouldn't mind a little..."known."
This year has been hard.
I'm not sure if it has been the "hardest" per se...because I think looking back, things don't always look as bad.
But I know that I am tired. It's not an onomatopoeia, but even the word tired just sounds so...tired. You can't really say it without sighing.
Graduation is next week.
It's not just my students last day of 8th grade, but mine as well.
I got a job at a high school.
The kind of high school where the students have a favorite economist and wear loafers and shit.
Where their parents want them to be doctors...and lawyers...and business executives.
The kind of parents that cringe internally when they see me because I'm twelve.
I'll be one of two people taking over the very prestigious forensics program.
The current coach invited me to their end-of-year speech showcase.
When I went, I was blown away.
These kids are beyond me.
And then the coach went up...and asked for me to introduce myself.
I didn't know they were going to ask me up on stage.
With the lights. And the microphone. And all the people that thought I was just another student sitting alone, hiding in the back.
And for a second, I thought...I could just leave.
I could walk out right now and no one would know.
Because no one knows who I am.
To be honest, I hated a lot of this year.
I didn't feel like a good teacher.
There were (many) times that I would google, "What to do with a teaching credential...besides be a teacher?"
I didn't understand why ANYONE would want this job.
It's not just tiring...it's emotionally exhausting.
And EVERYONE is watching you.
Random Internet strangers.
Because teachers are expected to be good at teaching the second they walk into the classroom.
Which is insane.
Teaching is a language.
How could anyone become fluent in a day?
I can barely conjugate verbs at this point.
And like learning anything new...I feel like I'm constantly embarrassing myself.
Because I can't really express what I'm feeling...and I'm constantly saying the wrong thing.
But eventually I'll get it right.
And I could give you some sob story about a kid folding me a paper bird and making everything worth it again, but I won't.
Because this story is about me.
It's about me sitting in the audience of a barely full theater...sitting at this precipice of a major life change.
Deciding if I should stand up or sneak out.
So I stood up.
I don't remember what I said in the microphone.
I would like to say it was something eloquent and mind-blowing, but to be honest, I'm not even sure I said my name.
But the point is...I stood up.
I stood up to the unknown.
Because monotony is boring.
Speaking one language is boring.
Giving up on something because it's hard is just kind of...lame.
And I'm not lame.
I'm a boss ass bitch.
I'm the boss ass bitch that's going to be a boss ass teacher.
Even if it takes a while.
Even if I keep embarrassing myself along the way.
Difficult things take time...but in the end, it's worth it.
Actually, even along the way...it's worth it.
So...here we go, I guess.
Je suis...boss ass bitch.